Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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