I love black thongs
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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