Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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