Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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