I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
