Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
