she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
