I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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