it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
