best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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