My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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