I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
