if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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