you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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