I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
