Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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