i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
