just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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