he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
