Your tits are I can't wait for
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
