I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
