I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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