I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We were destined to go to rehab together
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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