I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
