Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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