I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
