I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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