You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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