Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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