just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
