She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
