Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
