Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
