ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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