So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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