I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
