Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
