Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
