Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
