every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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