And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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