yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
