Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's not cheating when I paid for it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
