Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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