ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
