my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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