Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
