haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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