She just used a chaser for red wine.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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