wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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