And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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