Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
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