Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Drake has all the answers
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
