whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
