so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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